I've seen quite a few films at the cinema recently, sadly most of which I've neglected to blog about; Hanna, Attack the Block, Water for Elephants, Thor and I'm sure a couple of others that I've forgotten. All of these were enjoyable and most of them original and compelling. 'On Stranger Tides' however, is not. It's flabby, boring, self-satisfied and uninspiring. Now, I'm not hating on the Pirates franchise. I adore the first one, it was the best film of 2003, a hugely entertaining, funny, family-friendly film, with a fresh concept. The sequel was so-so; like so many sequels it lacked the originality of its predecessor but it was still a decent summer flick. The third one was abysmal, and this one does not improve matters at all. It moves away from the timeline of the first three, having shed Keira and Orlando, here we have Jack in his very own adventure with some new playmates: a love interest, allegedly the 'female Jack Sparrow', a pretty little mermaid, and a buff clergyman. Also we get a brand spanking new villain in the shape of Blackbeard (smoking beard and all) played by Ian McShane. The plot is negligible but basically they're all looking for the fountain of youth, along with some pointless but handsome Spaniards.
Well, so much for the new characters. Sadly they are not a patch on Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner, and they were hardly the most compelling of protaganists. Our 'love-interest' turns out to be a bit of a damp squib, in the shape of a heavily pregnant Penelope Cruz. Why anyone would cast an actor who was going to barely be able to run in an action film I have no idea. Perhaps if they had made her condition part of the story there might have been a bit more spark to her character, as it is there is a distinct lack of it. Ms Cruz, it turns out, is not pirate material. After a spirited fight with Jack at the beginning their relationship becomes a boring saga of petty, veiled, arguments that aren't even funny. It's like watching your mum and dad snipe at each other on a long car-journey.
The new kids on the block, Astrid Berges-Frisbey as mermaid Syrena, and Sam Claflin as man of the cloth Philip, are undeniably pretty, but also undeniably dull. Their angsty fledgling romance relying mostly on longing glances, bereft as it is of any chemistry or tension. It's almost as if the director realised they would need a replacement for the central couple of the previous three films but couldn't be bothered thinking of a decent story so shoe-horned it in to an already overloaded plot. Blackbeard is revealed 40 minutes in in an exciting shot where he emerges from a darkened doorway, preceded by the smoking ends of his rasta-beard. Hang on to that excitement cos you won't be getting any more from Mr McShane, lacking as he does both the humour of Barbossa and the threat of Cutler Beckett.
Thankfully Geoffrey Rush is still around as Barbossa, in this film posing as a stand-up member of His Majesty's Navy. His entrance, in the pale make-up and giant wig of the 18th Century court, is a delight, combining his jaunty piratical scruffiness with a simpering attitude and a well-placed beauty spot (there may also be some pouting involved). Barbossa has lost a leg, thanks to Blackbeard, and is seeking revenge. Barbossa and Jack's banter remains entertaining (an early scene involving the two of them and a later one with an escape from a coconut tree are the high points of the film), but Rush is ill-advisedly sidelined to make way for the pointless quartet of new faces. Depp as Sparrow remains entertaining but he is too quirky to make a leading man and results in a film that lacks direction and rather founders. It is also interminably long. The concept, production values, FX and music could just about be enough to make this film entertaining if it was a trim 90-minute romp. However over two hours of bloated plot devices soon wore out my patience. I enjoyed seeing Captains Jack and Barbossa and the ships, but this pirate yarn is more of a bloated lumbering merchant galleon than an exciting and nimble Man-O-War. My timbers remain distinctly un-shivered.
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